This Picture Makes Me Laugh Out Loud Every Single Time I See It

Fucking hi-larious.

People To Look Up To

Last night I drank two bottles of wine. No particular reason; I finished the first and wanted more. I wanted them here, and I wanted them now.

And I'm not one to waste perfectly good alcohol.

This Just In: Hip-Hop Has Been Ruined

On my way to work today (yes, I worked on Sunday. God is SO going to ground me), I flipped through the radio and stopped for a moment on Power 106, the hip-hop station in LA, and scientific curiousity set in. I haven't listened to new rap in quite some time, seeing as the last time I tried I quickly tired of the "guns, money, women" angle that every single fucking song had going for it.

What I heard today makes me long for those days.

I never thought I'd say this about rap artists, but I have to: They've turned into pussies.

That's right, I just called out all of 'em. Lil' Wayne? Pussy. T.I.? Pussy. Kanye West? Puss...well, you all could see that one coming.

You're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

What happened? Did rap's collective balls drop off? What the fuck is up with this vocoder shit the lot of you have been doing WAY too much? You're a bad influence on our youth. I actually didn't mind when rappers boasted about mackin' bitches and putting caps in peoples asses. We all knew you were full of shit, and the morons that actually DID commit crimes deserved the get caught.

Pussy.

No, what you are doing know is similar to the Zac Efron Syndrome: You are telling our youth that being a giant vagina is A-OK. Not cool, not cool at all. Kids, repeat after me: Guyliner is NOT acceptable. All this singing...well, you're not really singing, considering you rely on a machine to help you hit the fucking notes...all this singing is fucking with the space/time continuum, and it needs to stop. And kids, if you want a role model to look up to, look up to these guys:

Even the dude in the glasses get laid more than you.

'Nuff said. I'm heading out for a steak lunch and three Old Fashioneds.

Why The Fuck Is"The Forgotten" On Before Football?

What the fuck does she have to do with playoffs?

Seriously. Do they think that "The Forgotten" is the perfect warm-up for a playoff game? If you really have to show a Julianne Moore flick, at least make it "Boogie Nights", so we get the benefit of Heather Graham in roller skates (and not much else).

You're killing me, Fox.

2009 Means It's Time To Move Again

After two (un)eventful years living in Glendale, it's time to move. More like get the fuck out, actually. Time to move over the hill into Los Angeles proper, and to get away from all the neighbors who glare at us even when you hold the door open so the lady can push her baby stroller through, then glares at you like you took a shit on her father's corpse.

Man, that still bugs me. Ungrateful bitch. Shouldn't be breeding anyways.

Apologies, I digress. Here's some things that I want in a new neighborhood:

- A suitable bar within walking distance. VERY IMPORTANT. Someplace where the prices are reasonable, the bartender recognizes you, and douchebags are kept to a minimum.

- A suitable market on the way home from work. Something like a Trader Joe's or a Ralph's or something where I can grab the dinner I'm going to cook that night and has fresh produce. Not shit produce. Nobody likes shit produce.

- A suitable standard of living. I'm not expecting the Hollywood Hills, but I ain't living in a place where the first floor of every building has bars on the windows. No fire traps for me, thank you very much.

We've got until the 31st of January to find and move in. I don't know exactly how that's going to happen, but I will tell you this: After this lease is up, one roommate or less. New rule, write it down. Finding 3 bedrooms is a pain in the ass, especially when you're on a budget.

And no New Year's Resolutions. I don't believe in them. You can strive to make yourself better, but setting unrealistic goals (stop swearing, lose ten pounds, lay off the drink) just sets you suckers up for disappointment and falling back to old habits. There's things I'm going to change for the better, but trying to rewire your behavior is lunacy.

You suckers, you.