This Just In: Hip-Hop Has Been Ruined

On my way to work today (yes, I worked on Sunday. God is SO going to ground me), I flipped through the radio and stopped for a moment on Power 106, the hip-hop station in LA, and scientific curiousity set in. I haven't listened to new rap in quite some time, seeing as the last time I tried I quickly tired of the "guns, money, women" angle that every single fucking song had going for it.

What I heard today makes me long for those days.

I never thought I'd say this about rap artists, but I have to: They've turned into pussies.

That's right, I just called out all of 'em. Lil' Wayne? Pussy. T.I.? Pussy. Kanye West? Puss...well, you all could see that one coming.

You're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

What happened? Did rap's collective balls drop off? What the fuck is up with this vocoder shit the lot of you have been doing WAY too much? You're a bad influence on our youth. I actually didn't mind when rappers boasted about mackin' bitches and putting caps in peoples asses. We all knew you were full of shit, and the morons that actually DID commit crimes deserved the get caught.

Pussy.

No, what you are doing know is similar to the Zac Efron Syndrome: You are telling our youth that being a giant vagina is A-OK. Not cool, not cool at all. Kids, repeat after me: Guyliner is NOT acceptable. All this singing...well, you're not really singing, considering you rely on a machine to help you hit the fucking notes...all this singing is fucking with the space/time continuum, and it needs to stop. And kids, if you want a role model to look up to, look up to these guys:

Even the dude in the glasses get laid more than you.

'Nuff said. I'm heading out for a steak lunch and three Old Fashioneds.