Brain too full, must jettison thoughts!

ALRIGHT, that's IT! Enough sentimental talk. Time to do what I do best: rant like an 80-year-old lunatic.

First off, when the fuck did we get together and decide that orange skin was acceptable? I randomly come across pictures of these FREAKS whose pursuit of sun worship must have scortched their rods and cones a bit, because PEOPLE DO NOT COME IN ORANGE! I'm not going to insert an Oompa Loompa reference in here, but y'all can knock yourselves out.

It's like a goddamned minstrel show.

Splintering off from the orange freak tangent, he's the last (sadly not the first) commentary about "Jersey Shore" I will ever make: The cast are poster children for abortion. Seriously, somebody out there needs to take the cast photo and Photoshop the words "Abortion: Sometimes it's the only option". When my mom references this show while on the phone with me, its time we did the honorable thing and behead those caricatures of human beings before they spread any further. Behead with a rusty fucking garden shovel. Moving on...

Remember when he wasn't crazy? I have a hard time remembering when too. Aussie fucker has always looked crazy.

I just read the results of a all-female survey on Valet.com where they describe what they want in a man, and much like every previous survey of this type ever conducted, these women are full of shit.

- 49% say a sense of humor is a turn-on while 2% say looks? BULLSHIT.

- 80% say they're just using you when they ask for a shot at a bar? Well, that's probably true.

- 43% say to wait three dates before asking her back to your place? What if you really want to show her your awesome DVD collection because she lied and said "Yes, I love late 70s/early 80s horror!" and then it gets all awkward and then she suddenly remembers that she left the kettle on and excuses herself, leaving you to watch Re-Animator alone in your cold apartment and there's only two beers in the fridge because your roommate drank the rest in a fit of alcoholism (which he always replaces but hasn't yet) and you start eyeing that last third of a bottle of mediocre whiskey that was left over from the last social gathering which was three months ago but you really want to get drunk and watch Jeffery Combs bring dead things back to life with florescent goo but you can't because the liquor store is closed, you know the one that's walking distance away, so instead you go to bed alone, all because some broad lied to you. Not that anything like that has ever happened to me. Moving on...

If I were Conan O'Brien I'd flip the bird to NBC and go to Fox, or better yet, cable, where his youthful audience can get back the show they loved and Jay can go back to pandering to the AARP crowd. Go fuck yourself Jeff Zucker.
UPDATE: since composing this section of today's rant, Conan issued a very classy statement about the matter, where he does sort of flip the bird to NBC. Good for him. Moving on...

Yeah, you should look worried. MAVERICK!

Sarah Palin working at Fox News? Certainly not shocking to us Alaskans who remember her stint as the Channel 2 sports girl, reporting on the Beaver Roundup. I am not making this shit up. Conservatives all over the country just unzipped their pants and put Fox News on mute.

Ew. Sorry about that last comment. Moving on...

And finally ("thank God!" you're all saying, I just know it), I hope that I can do a big move-in day over this long weekend. It's not all I can do to not burst through the wall I share with the landlord's brother and throw his TV into the street when he's watching it AT SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING. My days of being woken up by that asshole's muted gibberish are numbered.

THANKS FOR PLAYING EVERYONE! If you mad it this far you are indeed a trooper. Or you couldn't take your eyes off this post like a car accident. I'm fine with either. Cheers!