So here we are, sitting 48 hours into a brand new year, one that actually sounds like it is the future. We can stop referring to the year as "two thousand and...", as if its just a temporary temporal ailment, that at any moment we'll be propelled safely back into the warm familiar embrace of the 20th century. Nope, it's the future.
And I'll be damned if I don't like it.
Those who are close to me (hell, even casual acquaintances) know my fondness for science. Okay, my nerd boner for science. Yet here we are in the future, no jetpack, no lunar or Martian bases, no widespread sustainable energy. But that's not why I'm feeling disappointed.
No, it's the utter selfishness, stupidity, and general ineptness of the people that have me pissed off. Specifically those people in charge.
Between the obscene, vomit-inducing greed of our financial system, to the hypocritical politicians on both sides who care for none of those in their charge, to the insane and illogical religious fanaticism that has become disturbingly more prevalent over the past decade. I have passed judgment on the first decade of the 21st century, and have found it mired in our basest desires and greater failings of a species.
The future I want and we need cannot happen if we continue down this path. Changes need to be made, real substantial course correction before the great and bountiful human empire collapses under its own grotesque weight. So, my fellow compatriots, are my Rules for the Future, effective immediately:
1) CHILL. THE. FUCK. OUT. This means everyone. From heads of state thumping their chests with nuclear weapons to that Jersey Shore guy who punched that chick, knock that shit off. We are better than that, stop acting like children. Considering we don't have the aforementioned off-world colonies yet, at the moment we only have this one planet, and we have to share it.
2) If you don't contribute positively to society, you have no right to bitch. Me? I help bring television to the masses, the greatest gift of all. I also recycle, bathe regularly, and continuously educate myself. If all you do is breed and have a bad attitude, us productive people reserve the right to punch you and your ill-behaved children in the face.
3) Don't litter. I saw some douchebag littler in front of my work and it took all my restraint not to snap his fucking neck.
4) Religious fanatics of all stripes, this one's for you - nobody gives two shits about how perfect your God is and how the rest of us heathens are living in sin and must be punished. If you're dumb enough to think you have ANY idea what a supreme being is thinking, then rule #2 applies TWICE as much to you. And for fuck's sake, stop trying to blow up shit. It's very annoying.
5) Speaking of air travel, the TSA is a joke. They can't tell the difference between an Indian and an Arab, having Grandma take off her shoes is retarded, and you have a greater chance of being killed by a bolt of lightning than having a terrorist blow up your plane. PLUS, as the latest idiot in Detroit showed us, we common folk are fed up with your terrorist shit and will jump your ass, which makes the TSA redundant.
6) Those rich assholes who nearly brought the global economy crashing down should be lined up and shot. Or, if you're against capital punishment, we'll allow anyone to line up everyday from 9am-6pm to kick these Wall Street pricks in the nuts. One kick per customer, please. He have to keep this line moving.
7) Let's take 10% of the Defense budget, and funnel it towards the following: infrastructure repair, education, medical research, sustainable energy and NASA. Our children are sick and ignorant, let's fix that.
8) As for you young'ns, you are a pathetic excuse for human beings. Between your horrible diet, sexting, and abysmal taste in entertainment (I mean, Jonas Brothers, really?), your ancestors would be ashamed of having contributed to your existence. Please figure out something interesting to say, because you are also very boring.
9) Who keeps giving Dick Cheney heart transplants? Can't this sad, pathetic troll crawl under a bridge somewhere and resume terrorizing billy goats already?
10) Grown-ups, you aren't off the hook either. As a former child, I entrusted you to take charge and do things correctly. And what do you do instead? You start wars because the misses ain't giving it up like she used to, you place sycophants and imbeciles in jobs that require talent and skill, and have generally made a bloody mess of things. I'm done listening to you. Shape up or get the fuck out of the way.
Now, I know what you must be thinking. "Wow Cory, you sure do sound bitter. I thought you were more of an optimist. When was the last time you got laid?" I'm not bitter. Really, I'm not. I used to be until my moment of shakabuku I had last year. I'm just....disappointed. We are capable of being amazing. We sent people to Moon, we create works of art that last centuries, we've evolved our bodies, our relationships, and our societies to become the dominant species on the planet. We have these moments of brilliance that almost bring me to shed tears of joy. But whenever I read the news, most of what I hear is pathetic, enraging, and just plain sad.
So here's a resolution from a man who doesn't do resolutions. I resolve to make the future I want, even if I have to drag the entirety of the human race kicking and screaming along for the ride. No hesitation, damn the torpedoes, I'm going in head first. I want my goddamned jet pack. And I'm getting ones for the rest of you fuckers, whether you like it or not.
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