Ad Chicks I Kinda Wanna Bang

First up, this particular chick from the horribly entertaining "PajamaGram" commercial:
Ass fo' days, yo. P.S. This is the crappiest gift I've ever heard of, yet this commercial wants you to believe if you give your girl new long johns, you get to watch her undress through a partially open door. Which implies that you never see your girl undress. Which is weird.

Oh LG, you fooled us all into thinking that this chick was the star in some new TV show. You so clever. Now nobody bought your red (sorry, scarlet!) tinted TVs and everybody forgot about the chick. Except me. You still have a place in my heart, you goofy actress person you!

I didn't think it would be hard to find a picture of the Orbit Gum Girl in her little outfit, but it was. I spent literally six minutes Googling her. (Anybody remember when that was a sexual term?) This was the best I could find.
I seriously did not see this one. I hope that plant isn't representative of a certain part of her anatomy. If so, those gum ads have just taken on a whole new, very disturbing meaning.

Then there's the Progressive Insurance Girl:
She seems crazy. Which means she'd be crazy in the sack. But I draw the line at buying crappy insurance from her. Blinged out name tag or no.

Speaking of insurance:
Pink hair = kinky. Still wouldn't buy her crappy insurance either, but I'd tell her I would. I know she's a cartoon, I ain't prejudiced. Cartoons are fictional people too. Fictional hot people.

Xmas Movies That Don't Fuck Around

I'll make this short. Looking for a movie this holiday season but don't want to watch Charlie Brown for the fucking twentieth time? (Not that it's not a bad flick - a little Peanuts goes a long way). Then thank whatever heathen god you believe in that I'm here, for the true gift of the magi is kick-ass movies you didn't know were Christmas movies.

McClane fends off fellow last minute holiday shoppers

"Die Hard" and "Die Hard 2: Die Harder" - Both take place at Xmas, although let's be real, you're only gonna watch the first one. That's fine. It's a fucking awesome film. Unless you're a big Dennis Franz fan, then part two is what you're looking for.

That last Tickle Me Elmo is mine, BITCH!

"Batman Returns" - In my opinion, it's the best of the o.g. Batman films. It's dark, it's moody, it has Walken. I saw it twice in theaters, and Christmas has never been the same since. Plus, there is some adult situations in there that I TOTALLY missed as a kid. Check out the dialog between Bruce and Selina during the masquerade ball if you don't believe me. Naughty shit.

In high school, my friend Sean and I were the teen version of these two. I was Murtaugh.

"Lethal Weapon" - Before Mel when batshit crazy and started directing Christ torture porn, he only played a batshit crazy Riggs. Writer Shane Black must have a thing about Xmas, 'cause...

Downey Jr. during his 15th screen test for "Iron Man". Silly studio exes.

"Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" - ...is also set during Christmas. I imagine little Shane Black's childhood holiday memories must have been filled with egg nog and gunfire.

I blame the Duke brothers for the recession.

"Trading Places" - Oh Eddie Murphy, you are so funny in this. I still laugh when Aykroyd eats the salmon hidden in his filthy Santa costume. Shit is hi-lar-e-ous!

*Bonus Movie You Already Knew Was About Xmas*
"Bad Santa" - Fucking funniest holiday movie ever. 'Nuff said.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Something to aspire to.

Incest: Not Just For West Virginians Anymore!

Before anybody gives me grief about the West Virginia jab, my father's side of the family is all from West Virginia, and I'm allowed to joke about it.  I just can't date anyone from there, 'cause we're all related.

Now, on to the hilarious/disturbing events of Saturday night.  I was visiting a friend down in the OC, and I tagged along with him and a few of his friends to dinner.  Upon arrival, I met some new people.  One was a nice dysfunctional couple, which became apparent when the dude picked up his plate mid-meal and walked away from the table to eat by himself because his girlfriend was giving him grief over something.

The other two people we met there were a guy and a girl, each other's cousins.  First cousins, not any of this "second cousins, thrice removed" stuff.  Like one of their respective parents are siblings.  It's important that you remember this point.

Dude Cousin repeatedly drops some no-so-subtle hints that he wanted to bang Chick Cousin.  Now, I've met this guy before.  He tried to drunkenly rape me.  Like five different times.  In a period of about an hour and a half.  Good times.  So I know that Dude Cousin has no filter between his brain and his mouth, and he will say whatever he wants to whoever he wants.  

As I left dinner, Dude Cousin asked my permission to bang Chick Cousin.  I told him no.  Twice.   For most people I think that would be enough of a deterrent.  

An hour later, my friend and I were at this gang member's birthday (I'm not joking) -- he's a really nice guy by the way -- and we received a text message from Dude Cousin.

"I moved in and she slapped me."

In normal life, this is where the story would end.  But I don't live in normal life.  About 30 minutes later, Dysfunctional Couple show up, and report that Dude Cousin was put to bed.  And Chick Cousin joined him.  

I'll give you a moment to process that.  

You good now?  Cool, I'll continue.  Dude Cousin totally banged Chick Cousin.  I guess her fake boobs weren't related to him, so that was probably okay in some circles.  This morning we got another text update: "She claims she didn't remember anything, but there's no way you forget that."  Again, Dude Cousin sending out the text.  So two first cousins got it on, and the worst part (yes, you haven't heard it yet) is that my friend tells me Dude Cousin never ever uses condoms.  So I'm looking forward to the retard baby shower.  That'll be great fun.

Dress to Impress

In my next life I'm totally fucking coming back as a robot.  Robots fucking rule.

Stop Calling My Apartment, Serial Killers!

I just got called twice by the front gate at my apartment complex.  Nobody I know is coming over.

I don't want anyone to come over.

Yet some psycho keeps calling, wanting me to buzz him in.   Ain't gonna happen, jackass.  I'm perfectly content to listen to my Daft Punk album and have a beer without having to worry about being hacked to pieces by some nutjob.

Leave me alone, freaky Glendale people!

I Expect My 10 Year High School Reunion to be Filled with Divorcees and Single Parents

About a couple weeks ago (maybe longer, who knows) I got word that yet another person I knew from high school is pregnant.  For those of you keeping track at home, this is her second kid.  She's younger than I am, and has been married and divorced.  

Not to rain on her parade, but she's just the latest example of people I knew from high school who have A) been knocked up, B) knocked up somebody, C) been married, D) been divorced, or E) some and/or all of the above.  Reality check - I'll be 26 in August (y'all better start shopping for my bday gifts, thanks) and since I have a late summer birthday, I was generally one of the oldest people in my grade.

*Well, I'm sure that stint in modified primary (AKA a bullshit grade between K and 1st) helped push me even older.  The teachers told my mom that I was slow; my hand-eye coordination wasn't progressing as quickly as the other kids.  Turned out all I needed was glasses, which they figured out when someone asked me if I could see the board, and I said "nope, it's blurry".  It's a thin line between bad eyesight and retardation, I know.  Idiots.

Back to the matter at hand, these people, with few exceptions, are younger than I am.  Some by more than two or three years.  Yet they have checked off some pretty big boxes on their "To Do" list in life.  Then there's me, who maybe wants to have kids someday, when I have money and a career and time to support and raise them.  Remove those factors, and there's one thing that stands in my way of joining my fellow high school chums.

I don't want to get married.  Not now, not in the foreseeable future, and very likely not ever.  Quite frankly, besides seeing my parents get divorced, (not to mention a majority of my aunts), marriage doesn't work.  Definitely not for me.  Getting married would kinda fly in the face of my somewhat new allergy to being in an exclusive relationship with someone.  This wasn't always my position - I have several of my exes to thank (as well as a very wise man named Tom) for helping me to finally move past the idea that I need to be in exclusive relationships, let alone get married to someone.  

Which cycles back to why it would be difficult for me to have a kid.  I grew up in a divorce (granted, it was profoundly different than the vast majority of divorces, but that's a really long story which I write about when I damn well please), and I wouldn't want my kid to go through what I had to.  Can I adopt a kid that comes with his own bank account?  And can clean, feed, and amuse himself?  That would probably work out.  

GET BACK ON TRACK!  Yes, sorry, that was too much backstory and not much of it was relevant (insert Star Wars prequel joke/allusion here).  The point is, when 2011 rolls around, and if I decide to go to the reunion, here's what I'll see:

- Old cliques getting back together

- Women being pleasant to their face, bitchy behind their back

- More than 50% with kids and having some experience with being either in or out of marriage

- I'll have less hair and will be decently drunk, allowing me to make a few passes at the few women that have aged gracefully.  They will of course flock to me like the salmon of Capistrano, and as I go home with them, the rest will go home with their husbands they really don't like anymore, and their fat annoying kids.

 If there's no alcohol there, I'm going to be pissed.