Incest: Not Just For West Virginians Anymore!

Before anybody gives me grief about the West Virginia jab, my father's side of the family is all from West Virginia, and I'm allowed to joke about it.  I just can't date anyone from there, 'cause we're all related.

Now, on to the hilarious/disturbing events of Saturday night.  I was visiting a friend down in the OC, and I tagged along with him and a few of his friends to dinner.  Upon arrival, I met some new people.  One was a nice dysfunctional couple, which became apparent when the dude picked up his plate mid-meal and walked away from the table to eat by himself because his girlfriend was giving him grief over something.

The other two people we met there were a guy and a girl, each other's cousins.  First cousins, not any of this "second cousins, thrice removed" stuff.  Like one of their respective parents are siblings.  It's important that you remember this point.

Dude Cousin repeatedly drops some no-so-subtle hints that he wanted to bang Chick Cousin.  Now, I've met this guy before.  He tried to drunkenly rape me.  Like five different times.  In a period of about an hour and a half.  Good times.  So I know that Dude Cousin has no filter between his brain and his mouth, and he will say whatever he wants to whoever he wants.  

As I left dinner, Dude Cousin asked my permission to bang Chick Cousin.  I told him no.  Twice.   For most people I think that would be enough of a deterrent.  

An hour later, my friend and I were at this gang member's birthday (I'm not joking) -- he's a really nice guy by the way -- and we received a text message from Dude Cousin.

"I moved in and she slapped me."

In normal life, this is where the story would end.  But I don't live in normal life.  About 30 minutes later, Dysfunctional Couple show up, and report that Dude Cousin was put to bed.  And Chick Cousin joined him.  

I'll give you a moment to process that.  

You good now?  Cool, I'll continue.  Dude Cousin totally banged Chick Cousin.  I guess her fake boobs weren't related to him, so that was probably okay in some circles.  This morning we got another text update: "She claims she didn't remember anything, but there's no way you forget that."  Again, Dude Cousin sending out the text.  So two first cousins got it on, and the worst part (yes, you haven't heard it yet) is that my friend tells me Dude Cousin never ever uses condoms.  So I'm looking forward to the retard baby shower.  That'll be great fun.